Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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