I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
