I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
