Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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