it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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