Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
