is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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