Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
