My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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