If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
