Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
