btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I intend to get homeless drunk
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
