well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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