I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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