No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
