My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
