I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
