I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
