he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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