I showed him my bush... on skype.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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