And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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