i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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