Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
