Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
