she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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