Don't make out with my wife yet
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
