I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
