so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
