Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
