His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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