Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm too high and old for this...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
