Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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