Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toyâ€
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