Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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