halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
