nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
