I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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