i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
