bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
