Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
