i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
