I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She bit a glass in half.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
