I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i love accidental penises.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
