easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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