The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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