I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
