you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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