Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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