return my video game
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
