It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
