is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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