Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
