Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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