he wants to bone in the snuggie
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
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