Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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