Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
