I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
