but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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